This Friday-RANT.

I didn’t want to go to my senior trip for a graduation that I was hoping I’d be invited to…for a guy that didn’t even ask me to his prom like I thought he would. As a matter o’ fact I didn’t go to my own prom because I thought he’d ask me to his. 

Yeah, I guess it’s my fault for being so modest about it and he may have his own reasons, but is one wrong for questioning why he never put any put any action into this if he really loved me like he always said? Maybe he could have talked about it with me at least… -_- 

I loved him. Without a doubt. I still do, unfortunately. Even though throughout this whole relationship I’ve always felt like he was hiding something.

Idk. I’m stupid.

All I know is that this Friday is going to suck and I’ll never get my time back. I don’t even know who I’m mad at at this point. It’s all over anyway. There’s nothing, nothing I can do about it even though I want to.

:[ sad life isn’t it?

I keep thinking about the memories and happy times he has given and I miss them so much…when I realized it was only about one and a half handfuls.

Abi: “What hurts the most?”
Me: “The memories and how he’s not going to be there anymore….”
Abi: “Well I don’t want to sound harsh, but…he was never there..you know?”

There’s really nothing to be confused about. 

It’s time to move on. And if it was meant to be, it will find it’s way back. But someone’s gotta fight for it.

Just needed to let it all out…

Yesterday, I was bawling. My heart and stomach felt so compressed and all wrong. I couldn’t help to cry even though my mom kept telling me not to. She told me it wasn’t worth it. But I’m not that strong; I just couldn’t stop and then my mom started crying too. I felt so bad; I didn’t want her to cry about me. I didn’t want her to worry. I knew I would eventually be okay, but just not at the time being. I made it through Band Awards and it wasn’t so bad.

Today, I was miserable. I thought I was already numb enough from all the smaller heart pains from this past month that I would be able to quickly recover from this. After all, I went through band awards with it. But it was actually worse. I couldn’t pay attention in leadership and it sucked because I felt like I didn’t even have the strength to be a leader anymore…and that’s like losing half my identity. I couldn’t take it any longer. I let my tears out right after Ms. Ramirez finished talking for the day. She came over and assured me that it’s going to be okay and that I’m going to be moving on to bigger better things in life now. It’s his loss. Things happen for a reason. And that truthfully I will be miserable for the next couple days or so, but she promised it would be alright.

It then happened again, randomly throughout the day. I appreciated everyone who brought a tissue/tissues to me throughout the day, ahah. That was great.

And especially Jacky, for knowing what to do and the right things to say. Well, except she brought me to Jamba Juice and I had a flashback…but its okay :]

The thing is….it’s not about his character or anything about him that’s making me sad. It’s not about the things he didn’t do that I wish he could have if he truly loved me like he said he did. Sure that’s the reason I was unhappy almost all the time. But right now it’s not about that… It’s also not about it being his loss and crap. It’s my loss too. And I know for a fact that I made big mistakes that hurt him too, we both made mistakes.
It’s more about the good memories we had that made me so happy and knowing that we will never make anymore that makes me sooo upset. Those memories got me through several tough weeks of school and made me look forward to almost every weekend….I’m having flashbacks throughout my entire house and it sucks ass.
Regardless of his flaws with showing love I felt he had, I still loved him and cared a lot for him…And I still do..or want to anyway, but I’m beginning to tell myself not to. See, I love and care for him in the girlfriend kind of way, and that is why we can’t simply just be friends. I would want to do more and expect more. Do people understand that others can’t simply be friends after a break up? That is asking so much; I couldn’t do it without hurting him and myself.

I held on even though I felt insignificant for a long, long time. I think it’s the fact that he doesn’t know if he wants to give it another chance while I’ve been pushing through the pain for a couple months now is what also hurts the most. Yeah, I’ve considered breaking up, but did I ever seriously ask for one? No. I didn’t want to lose him so I just let it go. Not the smartest thing maybe, but it’s what I wanted to do.

Ultimately if we really do love each other deep down, we would give it a second chance right? 

They say all you need is trust. But I differ. It’s communication that we lacked.

And if he doesn’t want to…then that is really unfortunate. I guess….many things will be unveiled as a lie. Unintentional lies, yes. But lies nonetheless. I’m probably going to cry again when that comes.

But senior awards night made me finally feel the moving on to greater things part of Ramirez’s wisdom.

Even though I highly prefer one option more, I’ll should be okay now with whatever happens.